Hello goodbye

I'm moving to Tumblr. I'm sorry Blogger, this is where we part ways.

New URL : http://a-tad-byronic.tumblr.com/

I'll still keep this page, but will be using Tumblr most of the time. Sorry if this troubles you in any way.

Be safe everyone,
Sara

Letter #1

Dear Nutcrack,

Yes, nobody said it was easy but I never thought it'd feel as if things were this hard. I don't think even screaming therapy, ice cream, endless ranting sessions or anything would help. And of all times it's now that I finally realize there are no allies here, I am without companions; I am alone. You say we feel because we are human, then haven't you been trying to convince me to be anything but one since you keep saying we shouldn't dwell on all this feelings? I can surely tell you now that if your motive all this while was to strip me of my heartstrings and melt this ice wall I have been struggling so much to hold up; congratulations! It's time to pop that champagne bottle you have been saving for this very moment. Thank you for showing me the truth, and you can bet for certain I'll be stuck in this insanity for a sufficient period of time.

Yours in solitude,
Frostbite

Lowtide

"you´re in my mind
you´re in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you´d break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start"

- MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend singing "Heartbreaker"

Awesome song right there. Lyrics are the bomb too.

Everything is falling into place again. I guess things do settle down no matter how big a stirup it gets. I'm glad things are working out fine. Guess the tide(?) has gone down. Now the only thing that's missing is Ramen! Why oh why didn't Mumsy get those packets of Shin instant noodles when she went grocery shopping? Whyyyyyyyyyy

p/s : Coming home with the bestie who's been MIA later today. I've missed you Jack! :D

"And we both go on wondering whether the other is gonna say something first."

This Moment

You know you're crazy when you have an assignment due today itself and the only thing you've typed on Notepad is the Front Page - which conveniently only took you 8 seconds for 4 lines - while you hope you can wake up at 7am in a little more than 6 hours' time to come up with 1500 words by comparing a news article and a news broadcast on customer satisfaction dropping in Singapore before leaving home to cross the causeway at 9am.

Or, maybe that's just me.

I really hope I pull this one off.
For any person whose profession has something to do with Journalism, you have my respect! One heck of a bother, it is. And having to get it done before the news gets out too. Crazy how you guys do it.



I'd like to see some fireflies, if you(anyone) please(s).

Same old

I hate it that I'm receiving more than I seemed to have given. No, I'm not talking about receiving good stuff. I'd be a silly goat to think that because that's how we humans work. We want to take and take and take all the good stuff; leave the rest to the rest. I don't understand what's really going on as I thought the 'talking it over' part was, well, over.

Don't you hate it sometimes when you've apologized for your mistakes already and it's as though you hadn't at all?

I don't know how I really am to people anymore for now. And shit, although I know I've made a mistake even I myself feel it's unjust to make me feel like I haven't reflected and said sorry. The word 'shit' can't even begin to cover how I feel towards myself at this moment. I bet the next thing I'm gonna be accused of acting like I'm the victim. I have reasons as to why I do things a certain way, if an apology doesn't help make you feel better then what other shit do you want me to do this is really trying my patience and i really did apologize already gawd what else do you want from me ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have not cried for a while, and I refuse to. I refuse to give you the reaction you expect me to give you.
If this is all but a test, I have a feeling I might not pass it even.
Mayhap John Mayer will keep me distracted from my work of stupidity bah


New discovered fact about myself:
I don't use punctuations in my typed sentences when I'm upset.


"I'm never speaking up again; it only hurts me."
- My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer

Ugly

Have I changed?


To be insensitive; to be called a hypocrite by another; to not feel sorry for being honest but rather feel sorry as to not direct the comment at the person being commented on; to feel like the lowliest dumbass of friends when all I had in mind was to make good use of money invested in me.


You know what the irony is? All this while I've been trying my hardest to trust others but this time I'm the one who has made someone lose their trust in me. And for now, just for now, I loathe the word.


"So scared of getting old, I'm only good at being young."
- John Mayer

Fourteenth of October Two-Oh-Oh-Nine

"Round and round we go once again.
Where does it go, is there an end?"


Happy Birthday Mama.

THE crazy big fat Mama who said 'If I were crazy, you are too!" for every time I called her that. I miss your silly sayings - "Kencing kencing kencing" when nature called; "Mama die then you know" when you wanted to have our sweets even though you were diabetic - when you were still around. Your coin-purse is still full with your coins, I can't bear the thought of using your money cause you always made me pay you back every last cent I borrowed from you. I wish I could put on your socks for you one last time before you went to sleep at night or even put on the marching gloves I used for school just so you wouldn't be cold like the day I last heard you call me.

No, I won't cry about the time I made you and Papa quarrel so bad that I thought either one of you wouldn't stay in the house anymore; I won't laugh about the times you and Uncle Black spoke about different things without even listening to the other talk; I won't giggle at your powder puff and your "Hwang Yew" medicated oil you used all the time; I won't miss smelling that weird smell that used to come out of your side of the cupboard we shared; I won't think about how you always asked Bishop James(at that time) to bless you whenever he said mass; I won't imagine running my hand through your curly white hair and how disgusting the way it was when you took off your dentures; I won't ask mummy for that old wedding photo of yourself and Gonggong you used to boast oh so proudly all the time to us that your grandfather owns a road in JB; I won't even start on the way your face lit up everytime you spoke about any of us as your grandchildren.

None of all that, because you lived Mama. You lived. And for once I'd like for you to know that I'm darn well proud of you too. Rest well Mama, we love and miss you!

You describe me as a relaxed individual when you haven't even seen me get upset. I just hide it well that's all.

"I smile just because."
- John Mayer

Makes me wonder

On some days, I go around wondering if I'm really who I am or if I'm just looking on from two holes(my eyes) into someone's life.

Thinking is good, right?

"Maybe I'm amazed."

Badaboom

Shocking isn't it.


I meant my nail colour by the way.
Hah!

"We can drive home with one headlight."

edited

Feast thy eyes on my doggy dear, Cino! (Here you go Clara, say hi yourself!)
p/s : Many thanks to Mercy Sue aka Markey my soulmate for the pictures. I hope you find a better place to stay in Singapore soon.

Looks as though she has lipstick on or something :/

The moping dog that looks like a mop - pun intended

10

First version of
The List of 10 Things That Upset Me

1. Don't assume you know everything cause that irritates me.
2. Why do I have to deal with your stupid mood swings?
3. Don't give me that crap about your horrible day, I don't dig bad days.
4. Mentioning anything to do with my deceased sister doesn't make it the end of the world, I'm okay with talking about it.
5. I hate it when people make promises and don't keep them.
6. I hate it when I have to start conversations all the time.
7. I really don't like people talking to me when I'm watching a movie/video online.
8. I hate it that I can't walk my dog Cino everyday just cause I have to be in Singapore to attend lectures.
9. I actually don't like travelling alone but when I travel with company I don't talk much - I just like the company.
10. I don't like people being impolite to me cause it makes me want to gorge their eyes out, stab the retina and put it back in so it hurts.

Sorry, I'm just not a very happy kid right now.


"Are your heads still attached, you lousy brats?"

Five years till now

It's been five years.

On this very day five years ago,
I lost my eldest sister Lorraine.
What I do remember is that the night before she died I didn't bid her good night because I was angry at her. I was upset that my mum was speaking to her too nicely, I guess it was jealousy that took over.
I never got another chance to bid her goodnight ever again.
I feel inhumane, not being able to recall much of her anymore.
Every year I reread the article on her death, this year was no exception.
I never really got to cry, and I guess I never will.
It's been five years. Five.

And I'm still counting.

Losing one's loss

I was never one to keep in touch. Deep inside I hope you know that I do think about you. So even if I don't call you or leave you a text from time to time, even if I talk to your friends more than you, even if I don't seem to want to talk to you much when an opportunity arrives, even if you think I don't care, I do. I just don't do this staying in contact stuff. I've tried setting my mind to it and that failed miserably. Therefore please, don't assume what I don't feel.

It's been a long while and I've done much thinking since the last time I posted something. But for a while, I figured blogging isn't so interesting anymore. In fact, I actually felt burdened by the thought of having to type out what I have to say.

You never know what you lose till it's gone.

That's a line I've heard for countless times, every time I hear it again I stare at the person who said it straight in the eye and wonder what they've lost to believe in the authenticity of that phrase. The fact is this: we've all lost things of certain value to ourselves, but I've lost no more than you have. What we hold dear to our hearts are incomparable. So please, don't go around telling everyone how they can't understand even if it's true. And that's cause we're not you.

"Don't you think we ought to know by now?"
- John Mayer

B.I.D.

Here's a secret that's applicable to every single being in this world.

If you want to break someone, the easiest and second most effective way to do it would be to take what the person thinks they do best and bury them with destructive criticism and insults. The best option to take a person down, of course, would be to take that talent/skill they treasure the most from them.

For example, let's take a musician named X. See, X loves playing his cello. How would one break X?

Get a flight of stairs and push X down those stairs. So long as a part of his body which is required to play the cello is damaged beyond repair, presto! You've succeeded in bringing this person down. Of course, this option would take a certain level of hatred or dissatisfaction toward X, if there isn't a cold heart in you already.

The other option might sound more like a planned situation, but it happens. Let's say X goes for an audition held by a music college. Now X has been playing the cello from a very young age and has always dreamt of becoming a professional 'high-art' musician. If he gets accepted into the college, it'd be half the battle won already. He goes in the audition room, plays his pieces on his beloved cello and shuffles his feet while the party who called the audition deliberates amongst themselves. Let's assume the answer they give is a no, the reason being they feel X isn't ready, hasn't matured with his cello yet, so they tell him to come back next year for the next intake after 'maturing' with his cello in the time span of a year. How'd you think would react after that?

I'd like to hear from you guys through comments please. Thanks.

Save it

I hate it when people think something's going on when there isn't.
If there IS something going on I'll let you know thank you very much.

Also, try not to beat yourself up too much.
Lately I've developed a tendency to disagree and bring up questions that can go on all day.
Like recently when a classmate told me "I wanna die", I asked him "so what's stopping you?".
Never heard him say that ever again, at least not up till now.

People who are jerks sometimes upset me very easily now, so be cautious of what you do or say to me. I'll claw your brains out after I bite you, so beware.

Everything's changing now. People around, music, the weather, you name it. Let's just expect the worst and hope for the best shall we?


"Let's have a game on the Teddy Picker,
not quick enough can I have it quicker,
already thick and you're getting thicker."

What's been missing

The words he said when I was 5. Those weren't words but rather commands. Don't touch the dogs because they're dirty and don't sit too close to the telly.

The words he said when I was 7. Those were the times when even a muffled giggle would get me scolded till I was sobbing uncontrollably. That was when I learnt crying never helped, it only made the scoldings worse.

The words he said the day I turned 10. Those were the words that changed my eating habit. I used to take all the time in the world just to finish a meal, but since the day I turned 10 I was never the last to finish my meal ever again.

The words he said when I was 13. That was the payback I got for talking back and being rude. He confiscated my phone for that one and only time, and I ran into the bathroom and brawled my eyes out.

The words he said when I was 15. Those were the words I earned just by being involved in church and school. I guess he would have preferred to have a child who stays at home rather than one who needed to be fetched around all the time.

The words he said when I was 17. That was when I was questioned to a point where there was no other way to react than to react itself. Perhaps the uncertainty of me not having a place to further my studies was indeed a concern and not a nuisance for him.


Out of all the things above, I have finally realised what I've failed to realise all these years.

Take a wild guess, go on.




The things he'll never say.

Too much

When you're at a point of your life
where you forget everything
unless it's been written down,
it's either due to old age
or
you're biting off
more than you can chew.


"One loses their wisdom tooth when one bites off more than one can chew."


Too many things are on my mind.

Assignments/college work
Camp
Change
Farewells
Ways to cure my blocked nose
More time
The meaning of Love, Loyalty, Conflict, Companionship


I confuse my own mind.


Question;
How does one know when enough is enough?

Presentation tomorrow, wish me luck!

"Where were you while we were getting high?"
Oasis

It's out

This life, this war
Who are we fighting for
This run, this race
For whom is this chase


"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."
Thomas Jefferson

"There is a wisdom of the head, and a wisdom of the heart."
Charles Dickens

"Because things are the way they are, they will not stay the way they are."
Bertolt Brecht


Happy Birthday Jack,
can we please be besties again?

Holding back

It isn't easy, not being able to express discomfort.
Shameful even, to show a sign of weakness.
But can't be helped now can it?

"Hush you bye, don't you cry."

Edge

What with everything happening around me so fast,
sometimes i wish I were a rug.
Why can't we just take a break and sip some wine?

Secret

My eyes trail where you left off.
You sniff my collar and your nose twitches.
There are no distractions while our thoughts meet.
All facades fall off like autumn leaves.
A slight smile touches the shape of your mouth.
We hold hands, not touching each other.
That's cause we hold hands with our heart.

Updates and a caption

Kiky the munchkin and I messing around during TDMC last Thursday.
Razzak the mammoth's headphones are da bomb!
The minute you put it on it's like everything outside is muted.
Me like. :D



Atiqa aka Iqa and I yesterday during SBS.
We were bored cause the class hadn't settled down after a change of class.
The hat's Jeff's.
Me like too. (:

I get really weird and sudden mood swings nowadays. And I eat a heap too. I think it's the travelling and assignments that are wearing me out. In any case, is it me or does it seem as though our class is getting a wee bit smaller by every lesson? Hm.



Caption time!
Haven't done this in a while.
Leave a comment if you have a caption for me?

Mine :
"Grr. Give me food else suffer my sudden outbursts!"

"I don't know if I can yell any louder."
-Please Don't Leave Me, Pink

Feeling really horrible

Not even sure why.

Maybe it's cause it's Friday tomorrow.
Maybe it's cause this weekend is gonna be crazy.
Maybe it's cause you weren't responsive at all.
Maybe it's cause I think about you just by a simple remark that sounds like what you've said to me once.
Maybe it's cause walking down a certain path makes me remember.
Maybe it's cause I'm disappointed in how you're treating me.
Maybe it's cause I've grown tired of doing all the work.
Maybe it's cause I still have much more work to finish.
Maybe it's cause I don't like people thinking that I assume I'm all that when I don't.
Maybe it's cause I don't trust you.
Maybe it's cause I miss you coming home.
Maybe it's cause I can't even bring myself to ask you why you're gone.
Maybe it's cause you speak to me at all the wrong times.
Maybe it's cause you gave me an unhappy vibe.
Maybe it's cause you didn't bother saying hello.
Maybe it's cause you never cared to ask how I was doing.
Maybe it's cause I feel as though I'm doing all the giving and you're just taking and taking and taking.
Maybe it's cause you guys pushed it too far today.
Maybe it's cause I'm not honest at times.
Maybe it's cause I don't know what to feel right now.
Maybe it's cause I'm psyching myself out.
Maybe it's cause today started out pretty bad.
Maybe it's cause I'm tired.
Maybe it's cause I feel really lost, confused and alone right now.
Maybe it's cause I don't like being in dilemmas.
Maybe it's cause I'm making a big fuss out of nothing at all.
Maybe it's cause we haven't gotten the time to practise for our performance yet.
Maybe it's cause I'm worried for you, and I want to do something for you, but I just can't figure out what just yet.

Maybe it's cause this is all bullshit.


"Don't look back
cause I just might give in
and start falling for you again."

Sometimes

Sometimes I look to the gate expecting you at the door, giving me a warm hug and telling me that you just went really really far away for a long vacation but would be back for good. You lived in our home, yet now you live in memories. I look back nowadays and it's worse now. I can't even picture your face anymore. And then I blink back the tears and smile at my present company in the hopes of seeming as though there was sand in my eyes. I never showed how much I hated it when you passed on, but maybe it's better left unknown. You're still my sister Lorraine, my answer is still 2 siblings whenever people ask. It's just hard not knowing where you'd be right now if you were still around. In any case, I hope you know you're being missed.


"I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."
- Vita Sackville-West

: (fill in the blank) :

It's been a while, but we've kept our share of frustrations.
These suppressed feelings must have to come out sometime, somehow.

Perhaps this is the true you, a Machiavelli-like person.
"If it works, use it" must be one of your slogans of life.

People feel sorry for us who've stuck by this side far too long.
Maybe it's time we stopped resisting, but listened, for a change.

Why do you torture me so? Do you not see me getting shot down?
You know very well this beat won't go on forever. We will not last for eternity.

I don't want to be the one who asks all the time.
I don't want to be the one who cries all the time.
I don't want to be the one who bugs all the time.
I don't want to be the one who starts all the time.
I don't want to be the one who wonders all the time.
I don't want to be the one who gets hurt all the time.
I don't want to be the one who hides myself all the time.
I don't want to be the one anymore.



Sorry, I had things on my mind so I just blurted the above out. Poulenc is such a genius for composing that sonata I can't seem to get enough of.

Time and time again I have to remember to remind myself I shouldn't be selfish. Humans are selfish by nature and I'm no exception. Why share when it's meant for only one? Why do people take things without asking beforehand? One of the things we're most selfish with, or rather most stingy to give, would be praises. What, would telling someone they're doing a good job kill you? No sir it won't. Saying 'thank you' can be called a praise to a certain extent as well. One should express their gratitude when something nice has been done for/unto themselves. As for me, I find it very hard nowadays to blurt out an outright 'thanks' to my mum and dad. I don't know exactly when it started, or why even, but it's just hard. So all I can do is hope that deep down they know I appreciate whatever it is they have done or given me, and that I'm going to repay them twice or thrice(if I can) of the amount of effort and money and time they have given for my sake.

I can't promise, but I can try.


"I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wished I didn't do."
-Hoobastank

Personal battles

Don't expect any more from me
than what you give me.
It's tiring watching you lie and twist
things the way you need them to go.
Your questions don't go with my thoughts.
Your actions, you answer for them
yourself if you're so great.
From now on, you fight your own battles
as I'll do mine.

Let's end this.

"Spit it out. I need to hear those words from your own mouth."

Short and sweet

"Hello?"

"Hello? Is your mum there?"

"Hi uncle ****! She's out having her dance lesson."

"Okay tell her that I'll be out of the ICU tomorrow. And tell her thank you for loving me."


Just a simple and short message, and yet it brought tears to my eyes within seconds. Sigh.


"Though I wish that I can make you smile,
there is nothing that I can do."
-Rivermaya, Imbecillisque

Jump aim fire

This was taken a while back on my phone.
I wonder if the people in the picture knows it's a picture of them.
Cough is getting real bad, doctor said I need to stop talking.
Not talk I shall.
Paint your target, and shoot for your life.

"The barrel is loaded."

No happy

I ate expired Ricola candy today.
Now I'm coughing.
So don't be surprised if you don't see me where you normally would.
My throat hurts.
Urgh.
Me. No. Happy. Rawr.

The only star has passed and gone.
Are you coming back again?

"I tried, and cried."

Discomfort

Why'd you have to go?
All I have for company now are shadows and the rustling leaves.
It's dark and cold here,
makes me feel as though home is really far away.
Then again, I might be psyching myself out.
But there's one thing for sure;
I don't like this feeling.

"I act real shallow but I'm actually pretty deep."

Your call

This is where I'll leave you.
The rest is all yours.
The ball's on your side of the court.
To rise or to fall, it's not fate's decision to make nor anyone else's.
But here's a tip; see the light at the end? Go straight toward it.
You'll survive, we all do.
I'll see you, on the other side.

"Say my name say my name say my stupid name."
-The Bird and The Bee

Week 2 - check

Atiqa, Riski, me
Singaporean, Indonesian, Malaysian
Taken last Friday during lecture :D

Today - walking after class from college to Queenstown MRT Station.
Clockwise from top left : Ravi(Singaporean) the radio dude always with the cap on, Jeffrey(Indonesian) the holey boy/cupcake ninja with his half blond half black hairdo, me with my teeth bared and Atiqa the first college friend.

On the other hand, people whose pictures I haven't taken with just yet :
We are so gonna bring Yan down. Catch him in a photo on his own camera or something!
Yan I want my Ozozo picture! And my free drink from Starbucks! Please.
Siti curses like nobody's business, she's nice though. Her boyfriend looks like Hady Mirza. Hah.
Shaun you need more sleep! Oh and explain APA soon?
Joseph/Simon wears a tank top almost everyday to school AHHAHAHAHA.

I can't think of anyone else for the time being.
I hate Friday cause I have to brave the worst of the worst human jams. D:
Then again, it's the weekend!

"And I just can't pull myself away."
-NeYo

kNOw

Not knowing what it is.
Not knowing who to expect.
Not knowing what's to happen.
Not knowing by what you already know.


Maybe it's just better if we all don't know.

"Must you really have everything?"

College Friends I

This is Atiqa.
She's the first girl who spoke to me in college.
She's a Singaporean malay and is attached.
She's very nice and 'fresh' from ITE.
She's awesome! :D

More to come soon!
Week One down, many more to go.

"You don't see what I'm trying to show you do you?"

College

Day 2 of college has passed and I'm doing good. My two classes I've had so far consisted of more than 100 people. Social Behaviour Studies(SBS) was alright, we have already been given a group assignment even on the first day. Techniques of Professional Speaking and Writing(TPSW) was today and boy is this lecturer unpredictable. We were talking about our Oral Presentation upon handing up a Written Report when he suddenly asked how he could determine how good our written English was. We ended up writing a simple essay about 250-300 words long titled 'Why did I choose Mass Comm', and told we could leave after handing up our essay. Presentation tomorrow! I feel like I'm going bald already. Ahhhhh. D:

p/s : I have 3 people to hang out with now. 3 and counting!

"People at the back did you hear me I said listen!"

Hana tool set

First day of college tomorrow afternoon.

From here on starts a new chapter.
Wish me luck?

p/s : In case you didn't know; Hana means 1 in Korean, Tool is 2 and Set is 3.

"That's it.
Just keep on behaving
as if nothing is wrong.
That's the way."

Smile

It hits once again, that smile.
The one thing that has the ability to light up an entire room
with the mere flexing of some muscles.
It's not about your hair falling over your forehead,
nor your eyes hiding behind your fringe.
Just pulling back your lips and the flashing of your teeth.
It's enough to make others feel tons better.

"Somebody shake me cause I must be sleeping."

White, black and other

'What have you become?'


That's a question I ask myself fairly often these days. Just watching the people around me now, it doesn't take much to realize how different they are right now compared to when I first met them.



Take Jackson for instance. I met him in church a few years back if I remember correctly. Got to know him better when we were in the outreach team for a camp. At first he was this quiet guy who didn't have anything to say in particular. Even asking him a question might not have earned you an answer. Then later on, bit by bit, we got to know Jackson as quite a joker. Now, he is one of the few people I know who can make people crack up just by his facial expression.



It can get frustrating, trying to figure out why certain people behave a certain way when their actions/words/thoughts make no sense whatsoever from your point of view.


But then again, if we have trouble with who we are ourselves what right have we to question the actions/words/thoughts of others?


Is a zebra black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

Why then is a tiger known to be orange-brown with black stripes and a white tummy?

If the plural of 'mouse' is 'mice', why isn't the plural of 'house' 'hice'?

Why can't I do anything but watch you hurt your own self?


Side note : Jackson's answer to my question regarding zebras was and I quote, "They might not be black and white after all, who knows? They could be transparent!"


"Oh and this is but the tip of the iceberg."

Heh

I've recently been down with a fever, irritating cough and an endless come-and-go-as-it-pleases flu. Am much better now cause I refuse to sleep too much in case I get lethargic.


I drove todayyyy. Ahahhahahha. It was interesting. And I haven't even gotten my L license yet. Did turns, balanced the oil and clutch, changed gears, reverse parking. My instructor says I should address him as Uncle Fong. Hah! He's not bad, said I learned my reverse parking procedures faster than anyone he's ever taught. Cute, in a elderly sort of way kind of cute. I'm so proud. My engine died 3 times though; twice while I was doing my parking cause I didn't step on the clutch fully, the other was when I let my clutch go too fast while trying to balance the oil and clutch. My left leg went numb towards the end, but it was all good. We had a few laughs in the car. Oh and btw, even though it says '3 Jam Amali' meaning a lesson for 3 hours, after he went to the toilet and supervised his other 2 students taking the JPJ test today plus how much earlier we came back from my lesson, I think the lesson only took about 2 and a half hours at most. More lessons please! :D

p/s : My student pass has been approved! Will be going down to Singapore to make my payment and get my medical check-up done.


"With or without you, it's different yet the same."

Got time to kill?

Watch this cutie brawl his brains out by singing Hey Jude by music legend The Beatles. Oh and fyi, he's Korean.



My favourite part : 1.17 till 1.24
"Better better better better better AHHHHHHHH!"
(yes I'm aware he missed one 'better')


"Everybody don't move! I've dropped me brain."
-Captain Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean


edit : 11.57pm

I wonder.

We share more prominent things than anybody else we know.And yet, it seems to me as though we're deteriorating into something less than strangers. I don't know what to feel anymore, and still I wonder about your feelings too. Don't think I'll be here all the time, because everyone leaves for their own path some time and I'm fairly certain I am about to embark on my journey soon enough. I hope you're well, take care and it's alright if I have to get a gist of what you're going through through someone else. Things happen; deal with it. There is no pain now, only silence.

"I pray for you every night before I turn in."

Deprived Pt I - Food

I feel like poo today.


Why?


My stomach is growling, and it rained today.


In short, I'm really hungry plus I don't really like it when it rains and I'm stuck at home.


Cause my dad, I told him last night just before I turned in.


And still, he forgot to buy me my lunch.


D':


Oh and he just rang the house line saying he needed me to open the auto-gate cause he forgot his remote. I thought he finally came home with my lunch or in this case a really late lunch, but he came home with his *'fish friends' instead.

[* = friends of my dad who rear japanese koi at home]


Sigh.



p/s : On a lighter note, visit Ceci's blog to see what nonsense I came up with while talking to her yesterday.


"Ohana means family.
Family means nobody gets left behind.
Or forgotten."
-Lilo & Stitch

24.05.09 - day + night

Went out to hang with my bud(short for buddy), Agnes. It's been a long while since we both been out together to just to chill. Walked, talked, laughed, shopped and all else at City Square. It was good catching with you bud! :D


Met a couple of ex-schoolmates from Convent with their current college mates at Vivo. Said hi and had a short chat, then left to continue our walking cause we were going to have dinner together with them and Si Wei later on at night in celebration of Si Wei turning 18. Si Wei came over and fetched us to the Korean restaurant where I had my first Korean meal. We had kimchi(vege with some spicy paste), loads of other tiny dishes, meat and lettuce, ricecakes, and some form of steamboat as well. Oh and we drank soju(traditional Korean wine)! Si Wei got really red after a cup or two.

All in all, I got to catch up with Agnes, Si Wei, Esther and Tracy yesterday. I even got to listen to some Korean music from Tracy's laptop(lol). Sorry your present wasn't as awesome as the ones from the others Si Wei, I didn't have time to prepare. Thanks for dinner and the ride, and the girls for a good meal together. Kamsahamida!

Here are the pictures.

Food(whole table view)

Food(steamboat and other dishes)

Tracy, Si Wei, Agnes

Esther, me

bud and me at the parking lot
while waiting for Si Wei and Esther to come back

More pictures and a different POV here.

"Send a little smile my way."

Burning tree

She set a tree on fire today.
Watching it burn, it surprised her how much relief it brought to her.
Although the smoke was everywhere and the smell unbearable, the sting in both her eyes and nose were ignored.
Eyeing the black cloud of smoke as it rose into the air, finally she felt like she could breathe again.
Even the roots were not spared, the seed was thus destroyed.
Smiling to herself, she thought to herself;
She set a tree on fire today.

"I don't understand."

Amuse me

Do not tell yourself there isn't a way out,
but do not attempt to dissimulate either.
Try putting an end to this, be strong, for
the worst is yet to come, everyone says.

It's very amusing to me how you start conversations and how I don't know how to continue from there. Then again, why would I confess this?

I'll forget it all completely, don't worry.


Question : How many times in your life have you thought - "Not exactly what I expected/wanted, but it'll do." ?
Comments, anyone?


"You send a little smile my way."
"You won't get better till you're worse."
-Tegan and Sara

Where I'm to go

In or out doesn't really matter. I can't seem to close an eye but now there's just no point. Amidst the dark, wondering where to go. I've been doing circles. But if you know, you'd show. Collapse and pray that someone might take the time to notice your absence, else prepare instruments to stitch yourself right up. Coruscate if you will, just don't hog the limelight and keep it from the rest of us. Between burnt wet wood and wet burnt wood, they're similar yet not the same. As for me I have chosen to follow the ephemeral. Uncover your aegis all of you, I dare you.

It has been finalised. I will be starting my course at Management Development Institution of Singapore(MDIS) on the 29th of June. As of today I am left with 53 days before I go back to facing paper and studies. I'll be doing Mass Communications there for about 33 months, and then I'll come out with a degree. A mere 2 years and 9 months! I won't deny the waves of fear and nerves hitting me now and then, it's torturous to a certain extent. Not knowing what to expect, not knowing what I'm getting into, not knowing how I'll do. But then again, that's just about how everyone else feels at some point of their lives. I was told that I need to be outspoken. And towards the end, I'll have to make a 3-weeks long trip to Oklahoma City University where I'll finish the last of my degree course.

It's crazy, I know.

I decided to post that just so I don't have to go around telling everyone. People who read this shall know and the others who don't would have to ask me to find out. Oh and I'll be travelling in and out of Singapore on the days when I have my classes, anyone up for being my travel partner?


p/s : Hooked onto Tegan and Sara! :D


"Last night I was writing about you."
-Tegan and Sara

'Us'

Tell me how the story ends.

The story that started out with the both of us.
The story about the two of us.
The story that ended with only us.

What went wrong?
Why didn't things work out?
Does this mean it's over?

I don't want you perfect, I'm just asking for you to try and understand.
It's been hard enough to get where we are now.

So paint me a pile of pictures, if it were to say a thousand words.
Because right now, I don't think a million would do.

It's a free fall now.
I've got nothing to hold onto, nothing to lose.
Them vultures, they await my despair.


"Why'd you have to wait, to find me?"
-The Fray

Ce cher ami

We once stood together, a well bonded circle. But it is no more complete, it's just a broken string now. It's as if we're all wearing blindfolds, walking around but never touching. I don't get it, why can't you all see? I just feel like taking you by your shoulders and shaking you awake.



What's so hard to understand?



Maybe there was never a circle to begin with. Perhaps it was just my wishful thinking, my silly imagination running wild on its own. Don't try to tell me how to feel, even if I don't seem to be alright. I can't keep up with everything, I am but a human.


That wall of shame I have just keeps building up but I'm not afraid of others seeing it.

I shouldn't be afraid, no, I shouldn't harbor any fear at all. No, I'll rise and blind everyone else but me.

And maybe the others will squint and falter.



Then again, I should stop living in the past.

Oh well, back to reality. Bed now, g'd night!

"But sometimes it's a good hurt."
-Incubus

joy ceLLS.

picture taken on 18th of October, 2008 at Wit Lyn's place.
[from left : Harv, Ceci, Sara, Merce and Joyce]



Today is the day Joyce turned 18.
EIGHTEEN! =D

Known as my bestest bestest bestest bestest bestest(5 times kay) friend,
Joyce has been one heck of a person to know.

It was pretty awesome cause you asked me out to spend the day with you.
I acted as though I forgot it was your birthday the whole day. lol. I apologise if you're mad at me.
I'm really(times infinity) honoured, so

Happy 18th Birthday Joyce!


Met up at about 10.27am in MPH where they display the globes, where we were both smiling like maniacs cause it's been a long time. Had a drink at Starbucks that came with a nice loooong talk and walked around. Ate our very late lunch at Secret Recipe where Ceci joined us just before we asked for the bill. Then we walked, took pictures and laughed around before leaving Joyce with her mum in the jewelry shop downstairs.

Thanks for hanging today, having that talk, buying stuff with me, the laughs, pictures and all else. It was really nice to see you and we'll hang again soon! Hugs. *grins*

p/s : Don't forget to tell me what's happening with you and all. I'm really horrible at keeping in touch with people.

"Tell me your secrets, nurseask me your questions."
-Coldplay

A short mathematical reasoning lesson

Premise 1 : It's always a joy talking with old friends.
Premise 2 : It's always a joy joking with old friends.
Conclusion : Talking and joking with old friends are always a joy.


Take this evening for example, Adeline and me were im-ing each other on Msn. The issue at hand is Sylar(the villian from Heroes)'s THICK eyebrows.


a d l n says:
aiya if natural oso can go shave

a d l n says:
rite?

Sara sOng : Chasing all of the rain away. says:
he likes robin thicke la. wanna have THICKEyebrows.



Gosh, I crack myself up sometimes.

Hothothothothot

Had my bath, went downstairs for dinner and watched 2 movies on Astro before returning to the computer and reading this :


Alven says: NO WONDER NEVER RAIN SO WARM LA !! ALL YOUR FAULT !


I'll have to admit, I didn't quite get why my cousin was so upset until I noticed what my MSN nickname said :


"Sara sOng : Chasing all of the rain away."


Lol, sorry Ven. I guess song lyrics have found a way to turn into reality.
On a lighter note, the sun has been quite a psycho these days huh? Blazing without rest and all. Where has all the evaporated water gone?



"We'll go all out, guns ablazing."

Of the has-beens and what's to come

I've been told ever since I could understand words that every step I take will form what's to be one day. Every decision, every action, every word have I uttered and every emotion that has ever probed my heartstrings, they have all been compiled into my life; my story. All the possibilities in the world are merely waiting to unfurl. Sure the road ahead seems a little too dark for me now, but I'm sure we're all going to survive just fine. And even though it's inevitable that I'm going to change, no matter for better or worse, I'm quite sure I am going to miss this me today(ring a bell, Clara?). After all, we're all here for some reason, though we might not be aware of whatever it is just yet. Let's just wait and see what happens shall we?


"I brave fire and I brave rain."
-Evan and Jaron

Secret

I broke the fall of the rain as they landed on the raincoat. In return, they splashed away in drops, tinier than they already were. How silly it must have looked in the eyes of others, a girl in a raincoat freezing as the rain continued. I shuddered involuntarily, taking in a sharp breath at the same moment. It seems everything is being washed, but everyone else passing me by don't seem to notice. It's like a secret. One of which only the rain and I share.

"Quit crying your eyes out."
-+44

DnA overloaD

It's all a blur.

You used to be the discipline of the house, the one who hated noise. I always thought you disliked me among us all, probably cause you never once failed to shout my name out of us. I found out what you had done, and when I questioned the other party, the truth was kept from me still. At that time it was no wonder to me why you were always so distant and proud, so near yet unreachable. I tried to show you how much I liked you despite all the negativity you gave me. I remember once during what I regarded a special day you lashed out at me just cause I was doing two things at the same time. I even thought you despised me at one point. I was never good enough, careful enough, quiet enough, inactive enough, nice-looking enough. Heck, I've tried. I've given, maybe not my all, but a fair bit to keep this up. Sure you're cool at times, but when it hurts, Christ it really does hurt. I really don't think I can do this anymore. In any case, I'm sorry I'm not good enough and I haven't tried hard enough in your eyes.

You know how we humans tend to do things for others, wanting to keep their best interests at heart, that sometimes we do too much and end up pushing that person too far?

I get it.
Papa, Mummy, everyone else.
I really absolutely do.
That you're all trying to help me out.


But this time, you really have gone too far.



"I know you don't know me, but I love you."
-Big Fish

Unbreakable

The cracks are showing
I can barely hide them
The harder I try to keep
The more composure I lose
But I will not let it control me
I am,
for as long as I can be,
unbreakable.

"Nobody said it was easy."
-The Scientist, Coldplay

My head is being pierced by thousands of spears

Okay I'm just kidding. But seriously, having a headache isn't something I'd hire bears to dance around my garden for(not that I have the finance to do that but whatever). No mood or brains to write something, so there. Woah it's saturday already?

Nightmares

A : Vicious-looking sheep bit at me and my clothes as my friends and I passed them by on a dark deserted road. One by one, I lost the whole group till I was one and on my own.

B : I lie flat, unable to move, as a mattress in a store. They just keep coming, an endless line of people sitting on me, testing the comfort I offer. And all I can do is to be an immobile statue and get sat on.

C : Hands reach into my covers and grab my legs as I slept on my bed. I lift my head and get ready to scream, but what I see is so horrible I can't find my voice.

D : Voices ring all around me. They come from all directions, urgent whispers and rushed words altogether, all fighting to be heard first. But as I look around, there's nothing but the dark.

E : Looking in a mirror and seeing something that shouldn't be there, there.

F : In the midst of brushing my teeth, a scary mask with an eerie laugh pops out from the door frame.

G : Walking across a busy road, I walk hand-in-hand with someone dear. All of a sudden, angry horns are blasting and the hand I'm holding onto is gone.

H : Sleeping right after an intense Chendol eating session, a huge green goo with chendol sticking out chases after me, screaming 'why did you eat meeeee".

I : Getting woken up in the middle of the night by the explosion of a gunshot outside the room, getting up and opening the door to both my parents lying face down on the floor, dead.

J : The time on my cell shows it's 11pm. Eleven at night. And yet it's as though no one's at home. I mean, sure, I'm home now and so is my maid and our 3 dogs. The koi fishes have gone for a short stay at dad's friend's place. Other than that, silence deafens my hearing. Everything's in place, but there's nothing at all.

So tell me,
which of the above scares you?;
which of the above seems hilarious?;
and which seems most likely to happen?.
Comments please.


"Tripping eyes and flooded lungs,
Northern downpour sends its love."
-Northern Downpour, Panic! At the Disco

Nots

As the song is cut off silence drowns its absence.

The bass line echoes, pounding through the empty room.

That face flashes by in my mind once more.

It's haunting yet I've gotten used to it by now.

I refuse to be affected,

refuse the need to reach out only to fall head first over disappointment.

The flowers are blooming in the garden.

Yet it's slowly being eaten up by the parasites that live off it.

Water does not drown me.

Fire does not burn me.

Earth does not bury me.

Metal does not hurt me.

Yet I am not invincible.

No, I am but a human.





Run outside and stare at the sky.
What do you see?

3 messages and a thought

Simple messages, they tend to say a lot. Or at least, to me they do.
I asked 3 very different individuals for something for my post, and here's what they wrote for me to copy and paste.


From Ceci :
"I LOVE YOU SARAAAAAAAAAAA !
xoxo, Cecilia. ;]"


From Suphatta :
"not a single salty tear.
not a feeling in my chest.
baby i'm feeling no stress.
i'm too fly to be depressed."


From Farhan :
"There's a girl,
I met not that recently,
I fell in love silently

Listen to my heart intently.
Its' beating alongside hers',
I have the tears,
Tears of joy I meant.
She's making my heart dent.

Hallucinations,
Filling by visions,
By missions,
By illusions.

I see images,
Photos,
Shapes,
Caricatures.
All and only hers'.

I am insane,
Criminally insane at that.
I wanna hug you so tight,
Never letting go,
Because as of now, you are my glow.

Embracing you in my arms,
Would be the perfect fairytale love story.
I've read it all in books,
Now its' time to put fiction to reality.
I'll love you indefinitely...

The wind,
Blowing through your hair.
Oh, I can just imagine,
How sweet you'll look.
And I'll just be staring at you,
That's' all I'll be able to do.
Cause' I'm mesmerized."


I noticed that Cecilia wrote hers for me, Suphatta wrote hers for herself and Farhan wrote his for someone else. It's interesting, that they wrote something for different people for a common receiver; me. In any case thank you Ceci, Phatta, and Couchie!



On the other hand,

Dying for something or someone to hold on to.

Uncertainty

Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to be a 'Fred' and have my own 'Judy'.
But in my case, it'll have to be the other way around.
"I'm not a stalker! Urgh." - funny dude, Fred is. A sad one too.
Then I chicken out when the phobia kicks in.
And I find myself awakening to reality once more.


What if I know I'm wasting time yet know not what to do?
What if I can't think of what I should do next?
What if I am afraid of being uncertain?
What if I don't took my next step?
What if I got it at my first try?
What if I had done better?
What if I tried harder?
What if I don't lie?
What if I cry?
What if?


Don't give up on me.
Not when there is so much I know I can do.
Don't stop believing that I'm trying.
Don't stop trying with me.


p/s : Cino is ill. I don't know what I can do to help. It's frustrating watching her like this.

"Why live life from dream to dream,
and dread the day when dreaming ends?"
-Satine

Facade

What is visible to one,
is merely a front being put up.
There's no telling what's real and what's not.
Because nothing is what it seems,
when there's more than meets the eye.

O, how hard rejection hits you when you bear expectations. It's challenging putting up a brave front for all the world to see. This is the time when no one is able to read how you really feel, because of this act you put on, this non-verbal lie you're telling others. You smile, barely, but still managing, while the people move away, thinking you're doing fine if not awesome. And this facade, it lives on.


"I don't care, I have no luck,
I don't miss you all that much."
-Torn, Natalie Imbruglia

Video day

Watched a Japanese movie called '10 Promises to My Dog' yesterday morning and I must say, that film got me sobbing my eyes out and into the couch pillows. Every time I look at Cino now, I get sentimental and think about when she won't be around anymore. Bleh. Also, I finished season 4 of One Tree Hill and am now watching Van Hellsing the movie. Youtube stole my day away today.


I want to have a full-time robot best friend. That way I'll have my favourite company wherever I go. We'll have loads of fun saying things like "c'mon!", "awesome!" and just being the silly individuals we are.


Remember when I mentioned I was going to buy myself a towel, wrap myself in it and roll around on the floor after SPM? Well, that didn't happen.


Nicolette, Fred's kinda freaky and funny at the same time. The songs he sings are hilarious though. Neighbourhood squirrels, pfft. lol



"If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time."
-Time After Time

Nose about to fall

Had a horrible fever along with dizziness on Monday and I'm still burning slightly. Been having a fever never fails to make me feel like I'm floating when I walk around the house. Didn't really help that I took too much of Clarinase pills cause all that dehydration made my saliva taste salty. Very uncool, I know.

Got called to work for a few days by Steve the teddy in the midst of one of my many naps of Tuesday. Started work on Wednesday. Body's sore and I've been having dizzy spells every now and then if I bend down and get up too suddenly. Steve asked if I was pregnant, grrr! Anyways, I reckon I can be a professional dishdryer now. Dried and packed at least 5000 plates altogether on the first day. Today we moved the things to the venue where we'll have the charity event. It's at City Square btw! Oh and I met an old friend who was at work too.

People who can't take no for an answer, they scare me a whole lot.

Jacelyn, you need to lay off Bubble Tea drinks. And it's been fun laughing with you, though you laugh at absolutely everything. Your family might just be more 'cartoon' than mine. Hope your bruises subside soon!

Now I go off to bed for sleep, and then I wake up for work. Ta.



Dang it I think they're gonna make me sing on stage at CS


"Don't they know it's the end of the world."

New found hobby

Credits to Wordle

Just stumbled across an interesting website and I must say I like it.
I like it a lot. :D


"You can't even pronounce properly? Boo."

Shush

Don't smell, don't sense, don't talk, don't feel,
Be quiet for a second, just be still,
This wound is far too wide to be sealed,
By the looks of this it'll take long to heal.



Don't ask me any questions.
My answer's 'I don't know".




"You don't know what it's like."
-Bee Gees

Dark (K)night

Clad in black, my hero's voice echoed in the room
Whatever he did or said, he never noticed my swoon

6 days till opening night
5 days till I lose my sleep over nerves
4 days till the return of Jack the bestie
3 days till I lose my sleep over excitement
2 days till my only rest day before returning to the esplanade
1 day till I lose my sleep over intensive rehearsals and ultimately performances


Nice way of putting things, isn't it? Well, time is running now just as the Road Runner runs from Coyote every single time without fail.



Outfits have been tried on, staging positions rehearsed, the hero has been swooned at by me without fail; can't see how anything else can go wrong.


Except...


Ah! Begone worry and all, leave me be.



"You don't even know I'm alive."
-The Invisible Man, 98 Degrees

Short 'un

His voice
It rings in her ear
As would a nightingale
Singing by a window here
He does not smile
Nor does he ever speak
A constant companion of solitude
Not nearly long enough trousers reveal his feet


"Tell me why we live like this."
-We Are Broken, Paramore

Lost

I stand at the crossroads once again.
I thought I caught a glimpse of you, those features I got so used to.
But when I squinted my eyes and looked more carefully, you had vanished.
You vanished.
How simply the words seem to sound when blurted out just like that.
Maybe I never even had you in the first place.
But alas, that is of no importance anymore.
For the point now is, you're no more.
You're lost.