T'was all a dream, an illusion now

As I made my way up those Narrow Stairs, I glanced back at all that I had just left behind me. The huge/important things, the moderate-sized/don't-look-as-if-they-matter-but-make-a-lot-of-difference things, and last of all, the tiny/unnoticeable ones. The Stairs, being a spiral pathway leading upwards, provided me the widest range possible of the ocean of things which were sprawled in front of me. Further up the staircase, I could see enthusiastic waves coming from some familiar figures. It was my Family; Dad, Mum, Yvonne, and anyone else you can name. That means Lorraine and Mama and Uncle Black and just simply everyone. I guess that doesn't count as some now does it? All of them had grins plastered on their faces. Their heads were popping out from every angle of the spiral path that was above me. I smiled right back at them warmly and turned my eyes back down below. I was up about a quarter of the stairs now when I spotted a dark mass far away. There, as I could see, played the time when I lost people and things.


That night I came home after alighting my school bus to find my whole extended family in tears. I went straight for the toilet after addressing my elder relatives while I asked my mum where Lorraine was. At that time, Lorraine, my sister, was studying in Singapore and she'd usually reach home before me. Honestly speaking, I can't even remember what time she comes home anymore. I opened my toilet door to see my mum dabbing her eyes. Seriously, what was with everyone tonight, I thought. I made my way to the living room where everyone was gathered with my bowl of dinner. I still remember it was fried rice with salted fish. Again, I caught everyone dabbing their tissues at their eyes. I sat myself down at the glass table in the middle of the living room and started eating. My eyes started watering at my third spoon. I didn't have any idea why everyone was crying but I sure as hell knew it had something to do with Lorraine alright. As I finished my last spoonful of dinner and got up, my mum stopped me and all that I found audible was, "Lorraine...not coming back...sorry..." Then she broke down, I broke down, Yvonne broke down, everyone broke down. I wasn't even thinking when I went upstairs to take my shower. The only thing I really remembered was the tears trickling down my cheeks and the sobbing of my relatives who seemed like aliens to me at that time.


I started up the steps again, blinking away the moisture in my eyes and the sour feeling that was coming up my nose. Trust the song "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and "Gone" by N'Sync to enter my head now huh. I remember saying some nasty things to Lorraine the night before the day she never came back. You can imagine the guilt I live with everyday. I am trying to be nice and not impolite at all times, just grant me some time. Halfway up the stairs now, I spotted a bundle of colours and paused for a better look.


It was just a normal Saturday when I was still in primary school. Those were the days Alven, my cousin, came over around lunchtime so that Lorraine, Yvonne, Alven and me could go to church together late afternoon. We used to watch the Japanese cartoons, otherwise known as Anime, broadcasted on Kids Central over lunch; "Slamdunk", "Dragonball Z" and the others. Alven would say something funny, Yvonne would start tickling Alven and I'd be the one watching, laughing at them silently on the inside. It's funny cause I can't remember where Lorraine was anymore on these memories of Saturdays.


I laughed a little and continued my climb up. Upon reaching the last quarter of the flight of steps, another form caught my eye.


The nights Yvonne seeked Lorraine's help regarding her schoolwork and when I had Chinese Caligraphy as schoolwork. That was when Dad, to me, existed as the one who called all the shots at home. Any noise, the tiniest giggle, and I'd be called upstairs to be sounded thoroughly by my father. He represented Authority and Discipline at home, anything he said was not questionable at all. That was the "either you abide or you get fried" kinda of childhood I grew up in.


Talk about living in fear. But I'm glad I got through it and learnt to obey, even if I do disobey my parents from time to time. Making sure I had covered every part below me, I finally found myself at the top of the narrow spiral staircase. Everyone was there to welcome me with wide smiling faces; Yvonne, Mumsy, Papa, Lorraine, even my late grandfather who I never met. There was music playing the background; "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey, again. And being pulled into a dance with all my family members, the ones I have now and have lost, I smiled my very own dream of One Sweet Day.



"And it's true that you've reached a better place, though I'd give the world to see your face"