Thursday, June 26

T'was all a dream, an illusion now

As I made my way up those Narrow Stairs, I glanced back at all that I had just left behind me. The huge/important things, the moderate-sized/don't-look-as-if-they-matter-but-make-a-lot-of-difference things, and last of all, the tiny/unnoticeable ones. The Stairs, being a spiral pathway leading upwards, provided me the widest range possible of the ocean of things which were sprawled in front of me. Further up the staircase, I could see enthusiastic waves coming from some familiar figures. It was my Family; Dad, Mum, Yvonne, and anyone else you can name. That means Lorraine and Mama and Uncle Black and just simply everyone. I guess that doesn't count as some now does it? All of them had grins plastered on their faces. Their heads were popping out from every angle of the spiral path that was above me. I smiled right back at them warmly and turned my eyes back down below. I was up about a quarter of the stairs now when I spotted a dark mass far away. There, as I could see, played the time when I lost people and things.


That night I came home after alighting my school bus to find my whole extended family in tears. I went straight for the toilet after addressing my elder relatives while I asked my mum where Lorraine was. At that time, Lorraine, my sister, was studying in Singapore and she'd usually reach home before me. Honestly speaking, I can't even remember what time she comes home anymore. I opened my toilet door to see my mum dabbing her eyes. Seriously, what was with everyone tonight, I thought. I made my way to the living room where everyone was gathered with my bowl of dinner. I still remember it was fried rice with salted fish. Again, I caught everyone dabbing their tissues at their eyes. I sat myself down at the glass table in the middle of the living room and started eating. My eyes started watering at my third spoon. I didn't have any idea why everyone was crying but I sure as hell knew it had something to do with Lorraine alright. As I finished my last spoonful of dinner and got up, my mum stopped me and all that I found audible was, "Lorraine...not coming back...sorry..." Then she broke down, I broke down, Yvonne broke down, everyone broke down. I wasn't even thinking when I went upstairs to take my shower. The only thing I really remembered was the tears trickling down my cheeks and the sobbing of my relatives who seemed like aliens to me at that time.


I started up the steps again, blinking away the moisture in my eyes and the sour feeling that was coming up my nose. Trust the song "Bye Bye" by Mariah Carey and "Gone" by N'Sync to enter my head now huh. I remember saying some nasty things to Lorraine the night before the day she never came back. You can imagine the guilt I live with everyday. I am trying to be nice and not impolite at all times, just grant me some time. Halfway up the stairs now, I spotted a bundle of colours and paused for a better look.


It was just a normal Saturday when I was still in primary school. Those were the days Alven, my cousin, came over around lunchtime so that Lorraine, Yvonne, Alven and me could go to church together late afternoon. We used to watch the Japanese cartoons, otherwise known as Anime, broadcasted on Kids Central over lunch; "Slamdunk", "Dragonball Z" and the others. Alven would say something funny, Yvonne would start tickling Alven and I'd be the one watching, laughing at them silently on the inside. It's funny cause I can't remember where Lorraine was anymore on these memories of Saturdays.



I laughed a little and continued my climb up. Upon reaching the last quarter of the flight of steps, another form caught my eye.


The nights Yvonne seeked Lorraine's help regarding her schoolwork and when I had Chinese Caligraphy as schoolwork. That was when Dad, to me, existed as the one who called all the shots at home. Any noise, the tiniest giggle, and I'd be called upstairs to be sounded thoroughly by my father. He represented Authority and Discipline at home, anything he said was not questionable at all. That was the "either you abide or you get fried" kinda of childhood I grew up in.


Talk about living in fear. But I'm glad I got through it and learnt to obey, even if I do disobey my parents from time to time. Making sure I had covered every part below me, I finally found myself at the top of the narrow spiral staircase. Everyone was there to welcome me with wide smiling faces; Yvonne, Mumsy, Papa, Lorraine, even my late grandfather who I never met. There was music playing the background; "One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey, again. And being pulled into a dance with all my family members, the ones I have now and have lost, I smiled my very own dream of One Sweet Day.



"And it's true that you've reached a better place, though I'd give the world to see your face"

Tuesday, June 24

Bah

Things I don't like facing


One's favourite toy one hugs to sleep leaks its stuffing
One studies hard but get horrible results
One tries one's best but fails all the rest
One loses a loved one
One loses a loved one and is left all alone
One realizes there's more to life than just doughnuts and sweet candy
One comes clean but is brushed aside harshly right after
One attempts to love but ends up crawling under a desk to break down
One tries to forget but is reminded more and more about the particular subject
One is left by another just because the other does not share the same feelings anymore
One is ignored repeatedly for no apparent reason
One is hurt and angered for no apparent reason
One finds that the usual "nagging" is lost forever
One finds that memories do not replay themselves
One realizes how much their home will be missed when they leave for someplace far away
One is not respected and falsely accused of something one has/did not do
One has been lazy and is left with a heapful of work to finish
One is stuck with something/someone in mind and fails horribly to shake the thought away
One is easily convinced and thus made use of
One is neglected and not affirmed after finishing a job
One is mistaken for being something one is clearly not
One's taste in music is insulted and criticised
One's efforts go down the drain
One is disappointed by another more than twice
One is lied to
One is put down in an impolite manner
One is looked down upon at something one is good at
One is disturbed when wishes to be left alone
One is deprived of a missing person's company
One loses all control over their thoughts and actions due to rage



"We are not born fools, we are made fools"

Sunday, June 22

Attended CIC's confirmation mass today for the '08 CIC fifth-formers.
Pictures will be up as soon as I get to grab them from Tracy's blog or from her via msn.
Went out with a whole bunch of mad people to watch Kung Fu Panda yet AGAIN.
Found it even more hilarious this time, maybe cause Tracy, who was seated on my left while I sat beside the walkway, was giggling and laughing her head off.
Or maybe cause there wasn't a Malay kid beside me whispering to his mum he seriously needed to pee throughout the WHOLE movie the first time I caught it.
Julian&Victor, oh you godbrothers of mine owe me BIG time man! Don't even think I owe you just by listening to me rant and borrowing me books. I will rip your throats out. Grr.
Jack&Tracy, thanks you guys heaps for lending me your music players throughout the weekend! Jack you're the most awesome guy friend I've ever had and Tracy your songs are awesomeness. Pass me the pictures soon aite Tracy? (:


Death Cab For Cutie.
Satisfies my hunger for music.
That's some good music there.
But if you don't find it awesome as I do, bless you and your own preferred genre of music then.
Yummy song with a catchy beat and a more-than-4&1/2-minutes-long intro.
This is some seriously good satisfying music.





You pop into my mind every few minutes, only to linger for a minute or so at the very least.
Yet in that one minute, I cover you up with so many other things, just so I can drown you out.
That, is how I live with myself everyday now.
By avoiding and escaping, no, denying these thoughts, I free myself from unnecessaties.
With this, I continue with myself.
And for a few moments, just when I let my guard down;
You're back in my mind, a haunting melody.


"I won't sit around, I can't let it win now"

Friday, June 20

I'll die trying

Okay first of all just ignore the post title. Couldn't think of anything else to write. =/

Mad Hatters' Ball @ Pulai Springs - 14.06.08


Top(L) : Me, Mel
Top(R) : Me, Jourdy
Middle(L) : Mel, me
Middle(R) : Me, Jourdy, Mel
Bottom(L) : Jourdy, Mel, me, Jack
Bottom(R) : Mel, Jourdy, me, Jack


It's official.
I'm no longer engaged. lol
Death Cab For Cutie's "I Will Possess Your Heart" is my current music drug.
Switchfoot's "Learning To Breathe" is slowly creeping back onto my music drug list.
Any other form of good music please don't hesitate to tell me the song title/artist, and I'll check it out. Thanks.


Saturday
Attended SDJ's IU day before leaving for church.
Had practice in church then left with Mel to fetch Jack and Jourdy before heading to Pulai Springs.
Sold lucky draw tickets with Jourdy and Jack before dinner was served, pictures at the start of this post(credits to Interactor Melanie, THANKS HEAPS ily!).
Thanks Mel S for the ride, and Int. Melanie, Jourdy, Jack, Mel S for the fun and laughter.
Note : I provided Int. Melanie her first glass of Shandy. Yummy no? x]


Sunday
Woke up early for mass in church where I noticed a lot of things I haven't really taken a good look at.
Went home for a while, then got mum to send me to Dataran for the spastic fair.
Met up with Int. Melanie, who was walkingwandering around aimlessly with Int. Zeke, Int. Jourdy and Jack behind her.
She squealed when she spotted me and I joined her with her wandering.
She bought herself a green balloon and me a blue balloon(!) which Bryan very conveniently burst after I left it in Zeke's care. )':
Int. Mel left soon after and left me there to fend for myself.
Watched Indredible Hulk with Mel S, Jourdy and Jack when we couldn't take the heat anymore.
Almost fell asleep during the movie, but surprisingly managed to stay awake.
Mel S dropped me home before the three of them headed to church.


Monday-Wednesday
Almost cried and attempted to scratch my eyeballs out more than 17 times.
Got kinda confused with all my silly thoughts and absurd dreams that I went a wee bit haywire.
Wondered when the meetings will ever stop.
Still ongoing as I type this.
Bah.
Friggin dreams. Making me not think straight.
Though they were a kind of sanctuary I looked forward to running to every night.
Messed up during choir practice. Sorry girls. ):


Thursday
Not as confused as from Monday-Wednesday.
Had lunch with Jourdy, Jack, Brendan and Mel S at Secret Recipe.
Horrible basketcase service there.
Slow and very inaccurate.
Fairly infuriating indeed.
Thanks for your time guys! Sorry if I made you miss practice.
Thanks Jack and Brendan for being so concern about the taxi I was taking home.
He was a funny Malay man who told me it didn't matter where you study so long as you have the heart to.
He was also trying very hard to convert me into being a Muslim. Funny cartoon character.
Though the two boys he picked up right before reaching my house stared at me like they never saw a chinese girl in baju kurung before.
Ish. I was about to bite them but then I realized they'd taste real awful. Bleh.


Friday
Emotional day could say.
Loads of things to think about were thrown at me right in my face today.
Not as confused as I was about that particular thing on Thursday, but confused about some other stuff now as well.
It's kinda bugging me, but I'm trying my hardest to deal with it.
Thanks a whole lot Mrs. Emilda!! From the bottom of my heart, really. (:
So bear with me and permit me to go a lil haywire for now please.
Thanks Mercy for the hanging.
Really needed all the silly giggles we had of old men walking around and darker than caramel people.
I seriously think I'm gonna miss hanging with you most cause we've gotten closer than ever as hanging partners this year after all the hanging.
Teehee. Huggla buggla guggla oreoius! ["Ugly man" XD Hi-knife!]
Venom(the cheerleading squad I was in last year but not anymore)'s getting pretty darn awesome.
Watch out contenders, you people going down! :D




Auditions for the upcoming Xmas play to be held tomorrow afternoon and at night.
Anyone interested please contact me or anyone else in the youth, or better yet just come for the auditions!!!



"He shone like a radiant beam, wiping out all else in sight."

Sunday, June 15

11.11

Just when you think it's safe to leave your hideout


The one place you hid yourself in to avoid a certain consequence



BAM!




It hits you right in the face.


And you fall. Hard.


You don't want to feel this way.


But considering the time you're left with, what else is there to do?


Hold on to each other, stay close while you still have each other for company.


Because when one leaves, even if that person is to return, things might not be the same any longer.





I'm sorry if I'm scaring you.
I'm just being me.
I might be kidding but I might be serious, even I myself can't tell at times.
But please, at least permit me to find something new about myself through you.
That is all I ask of you.
Please?





The memories.
The laughter.
The tears.
The hugs.
The talks.
The games.
The problems.
The things we shared.
The fights.
The quarrels.
The meals.
The walks.
The support.
The help.
The calls.
The messages.
The notes.
The letters.
The trips.
The movies.
Those, were THE times. Our times.




You're the one who's gonna do the rescuing, not me.
So save your breath, and show the world what you've got.
I'mWe're waiting...

Saturday, June 14

Wheehee

Today was plain madness.
Went everywhere for something.
Plain absolute madness to the core.
I am dead tired.
But I got, well, engaged today.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Beat that.
Yummy stuff eh?
I'll tell you if I want to.
So there.
Later babies.
I'm marrying someone at a place called Las Vegas.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Yummy. C=
Fair eventide, I bid thee one and all.

Friday, June 13

Oogway&Tigress

"Jealousy
steps in when one wishes not to share a certain thing/person with another person

Hate
comes from one who wishes to be just like another person

Frustration
is when one fails to get things done his/her own desired way

Anger
feeds on one's unhappiness towards another person

Isolation
rules out the possibilities of letting one have his/her own -happily ever after-

Loneliness
is a haunting and horrible feeling when one lacks the company of another"





I stared down the dark alley while squinting my eyes
Hoping to make out a dark shape that was gradually appearing
As it came closer I found myself backing away in disbelief
How could it be that it was you standing right before me





Friday the 13th.
I honestly believe I wasted my past week in school.
Only thing we did in school this past week was to get our papers back, raise our hands if we got questions wrong for teachers to complete an analysis report, go for recess, only to go back to class to rot our butts off.
Oh poop, I was walking with Harveena to the canteen on Thursday and I saw there's only around 150+ days till the three-lettered major examination late this year.
We both kinda freaked and screamed, but the feeling soon left us as the canteen was calling out to us.
Talked for a bit with her before we had to run upstairs for a meeting.




We're leaving people!
Handing over our duties to the next batch is such a bummer.
It's saddening too, makes me go all emotional.
But I'm pretty sure it isn't only me who feels this particular way, right?
We gonn' touch the sky, cause we're skyhigh.
Teehee. :D


Remember folks,
"There are no accidents..."

Wednesday, June 11

Commotion of Emotions

I'm feeling quite wordless right now.




Why you ask?




Mumsy.

Tomorrow.

Op to be rid of her cataract problem.




Crap bulldung moose entrancers.




I'm scared like poop here.




I apologize for the choice of words for this post.




Why not you try not to worry when your mum's about to go for an op?




Even after having watched "Kungfu Panda" beside a Malay kid who couldn't stop telling his mum how much he needed to answer Nature's call,
I can't seem to remain cool and calm and act all unaffected.




Okay, maybe I am capable of hiding my worrying from my parents whilst at home.




But I'm quite positive tomorrow I might need a miracle to get through school.




Oh craphole, I think I need some liquor. =T


Humour me please.

Monday, June 9

False alarm

Okay I know the past entry doesn't kinda go with this one now.
Heck, it's only been less than 2 hours.
But I got a fright just as I was surfing the net a while ago.








Danggg.


I thought I posted a bulletin on the Friendster bulletin board when I didn't.
Scared the crap out of me for a while.


Then I looked at the picture at the side and realized it wasn't me.

After all, you don't get people named "Sara" a lot around you now do you?

Friends

Time and time again I meet different people.
These people are what most people would normally see as, "friends".
So tell me, what makes one a "friend" to another?
You talk about stuff, you share experiences you have or had together or separately, you hang out, you deal with each other.
I've had best friends/good friends come and go as they please.
It makes me sick to know that what I treasured so much, you throw to a corner so easily without any thought whatsoever.


I have one who's across the sea studying; but we both just stopped talking after one last outing where I wasn't offered to share an umbrella.
I have two of whom I still see every single day during recess; yes we hang and eat together, but we don't look for each other to rant anymore.
I have three from my primary school years; but we all lost touch even after coming back together that time where some other girl tried to separate us four "inseparables".
I have one I totally stopped talking to; cause I never was told of the other half that was already by their side.
I have one who clicked with me so well for 3 weeks; that we can't even talk for more than 3 minutes online now.
I have one I used to speak to about the dumbest things; but now everything's different.
I have one who tells me I'm needed, but rather hangs out with others instead.


I remember every single time we hung together last year.
I remember all the pain we helped each other through 3 years back.
I remember when we had to brush our teeth near the school drain every day.
I remember how I used to love not knowing the real you.
I remember the laughs and songs you've given me when I needed them most.
I remember the times we had while we could still meet.
I remember all that I have and haven't done for you.


Of course, there are those the ones I have now too.
You guys are awesome and I couldn't ask for anything better than the friends I have now.
Best friends now, from church or even school, you guys rock my socks.


I'll remember every single one of you.
Even if there are some that I don't want to know anymore.
I'll remember every single joy, sorrow or any other emotion you have shared with me, and I'll pick them up and carry them with me as I run along Life.
Thank you.

p/s : I hope you won't hate me when I don't like you as a friend anymore.

Friday, June 6

Falling down

She never knew how much pain one little pebble could cause.
It was lying there aside so silently that she never took it seriously.
But she was dead wrong.



Most would just go around the little thing without any further thought,
Though one or two rare cases might stumble and take a fall.
Unfortunately, she was one of the rare cases.
And when she fell, she could practically hear the little pebble give her an evil chuckle.



It hurt so bad, hitting the ground without anticipating the fall.
Her knees were bruised, her palms scratched and full of sand.
Her outfit peeked from her bag, a stain of dirt barely visible.
After all, it has been a long time since she took a fall like this.
In fact, she could never afford to falter for the journey she was preparing to take.



And yet, the little pebble continued pretending its innocence.
It paid no heed to her shame, still sitting by the corner, waiting for a next victim.



But little did the little pebble know, it had just ruined her dreams of becoming a famous ballerina.



Very slowly, she picked herself up.
While trying very hard to hold back her tears, she limped back just the way she came from; home.

Tuesday, June 3

Story #7

"What are you trying to do?! Let go of me!" she screamed at him as he dragged her out of the restaurant, and her date.



"Saving you from hell, I told you not to turn up for this date with that jerk!" he replied angrily as he threw her arm back at her.



"You never cared how I felt when you went out with those other girls! Why should I care how you feel now?" she answered as she stomped her way back to the restaurant, leaving him out alone in the dark.





flashback
"How much longer do I have to wait? They've been in there for ever!" she told him.
"That's cause your mum's kissing my dad goodbye, so just give them a minute will you?" he answered.
"Kissing? What's that? Show me," she asked, curious.
"Oh alright. This," he grabbed her and touched his lips onto hers.
"Eww!" they both broke away, clearly disgusted.