Feeling really horrible

Not even sure why.

Maybe it's cause it's Friday tomorrow.
Maybe it's cause this weekend is gonna be crazy.
Maybe it's cause you weren't responsive at all.
Maybe it's cause I think about you just by a simple remark that sounds like what you've said to me once.
Maybe it's cause walking down a certain path makes me remember.
Maybe it's cause I'm disappointed in how you're treating me.
Maybe it's cause I've grown tired of doing all the work.
Maybe it's cause I still have much more work to finish.
Maybe it's cause I don't like people thinking that I assume I'm all that when I don't.
Maybe it's cause I don't trust you.
Maybe it's cause I miss you coming home.
Maybe it's cause I can't even bring myself to ask you why you're gone.
Maybe it's cause you speak to me at all the wrong times.
Maybe it's cause you gave me an unhappy vibe.
Maybe it's cause you didn't bother saying hello.
Maybe it's cause you never cared to ask how I was doing.
Maybe it's cause I feel as though I'm doing all the giving and you're just taking and taking and taking.
Maybe it's cause you guys pushed it too far today.
Maybe it's cause I'm not honest at times.
Maybe it's cause I don't know what to feel right now.
Maybe it's cause I'm psyching myself out.
Maybe it's cause today started out pretty bad.
Maybe it's cause I'm tired.
Maybe it's cause I feel really lost, confused and alone right now.
Maybe it's cause I don't like being in dilemmas.
Maybe it's cause I'm making a big fuss out of nothing at all.
Maybe it's cause we haven't gotten the time to practise for our performance yet.
Maybe it's cause I'm worried for you, and I want to do something for you, but I just can't figure out what just yet.

Maybe it's cause this is all bullshit.


"Don't look back
cause I just might give in
and start falling for you again."

Sometimes

Sometimes I look to the gate expecting you at the door, giving me a warm hug and telling me that you just went really really far away for a long vacation but would be back for good. You lived in our home, yet now you live in memories. I look back nowadays and it's worse now. I can't even picture your face anymore. And then I blink back the tears and smile at my present company in the hopes of seeming as though there was sand in my eyes. I never showed how much I hated it when you passed on, but maybe it's better left unknown. You're still my sister Lorraine, my answer is still 2 siblings whenever people ask. It's just hard not knowing where you'd be right now if you were still around. In any case, I hope you know you're being missed.


"I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal."
- Vita Sackville-West

: (fill in the blank) :

It's been a while, but we've kept our share of frustrations.
These suppressed feelings must have to come out sometime, somehow.

Perhaps this is the true you, a Machiavelli-like person.
"If it works, use it" must be one of your slogans of life.

People feel sorry for us who've stuck by this side far too long.
Maybe it's time we stopped resisting, but listened, for a change.

Why do you torture me so? Do you not see me getting shot down?
You know very well this beat won't go on forever. We will not last for eternity.

I don't want to be the one who asks all the time.
I don't want to be the one who cries all the time.
I don't want to be the one who bugs all the time.
I don't want to be the one who starts all the time.
I don't want to be the one who wonders all the time.
I don't want to be the one who gets hurt all the time.
I don't want to be the one who hides myself all the time.
I don't want to be the one anymore.



Sorry, I had things on my mind so I just blurted the above out. Poulenc is such a genius for composing that sonata I can't seem to get enough of.

Time and time again I have to remember to remind myself I shouldn't be selfish. Humans are selfish by nature and I'm no exception. Why share when it's meant for only one? Why do people take things without asking beforehand? One of the things we're most selfish with, or rather most stingy to give, would be praises. What, would telling someone they're doing a good job kill you? No sir it won't. Saying 'thank you' can be called a praise to a certain extent as well. One should express their gratitude when something nice has been done for/unto themselves. As for me, I find it very hard nowadays to blurt out an outright 'thanks' to my mum and dad. I don't know exactly when it started, or why even, but it's just hard. So all I can do is hope that deep down they know I appreciate whatever it is they have done or given me, and that I'm going to repay them twice or thrice(if I can) of the amount of effort and money and time they have given for my sake.

I can't promise, but I can try.


"I'm not a perfect person, there's many things I wished I didn't do."
-Hoobastank

Personal battles

Don't expect any more from me
than what you give me.
It's tiring watching you lie and twist
things the way you need them to go.
Your questions don't go with my thoughts.
Your actions, you answer for them
yourself if you're so great.
From now on, you fight your own battles
as I'll do mine.

Let's end this.

"Spit it out. I need to hear those words from your own mouth."

Short and sweet

"Hello?"

"Hello? Is your mum there?"

"Hi uncle ****! She's out having her dance lesson."

"Okay tell her that I'll be out of the ICU tomorrow. And tell her thank you for loving me."


Just a simple and short message, and yet it brought tears to my eyes within seconds. Sigh.


"Though I wish that I can make you smile,
there is nothing that I can do."
-Rivermaya, Imbecillisque

Jump aim fire

This was taken a while back on my phone.
I wonder if the people in the picture knows it's a picture of them.
Cough is getting real bad, doctor said I need to stop talking.
Not talk I shall.
Paint your target, and shoot for your life.

"The barrel is loaded."

No happy

I ate expired Ricola candy today.
Now I'm coughing.
So don't be surprised if you don't see me where you normally would.
My throat hurts.
Urgh.
Me. No. Happy. Rawr.

The only star has passed and gone.
Are you coming back again?

"I tried, and cried."

Discomfort

Why'd you have to go?
All I have for company now are shadows and the rustling leaves.
It's dark and cold here,
makes me feel as though home is really far away.
Then again, I might be psyching myself out.
But there's one thing for sure;
I don't like this feeling.

"I act real shallow but I'm actually pretty deep."

Your call

This is where I'll leave you.
The rest is all yours.
The ball's on your side of the court.
To rise or to fall, it's not fate's decision to make nor anyone else's.
But here's a tip; see the light at the end? Go straight toward it.
You'll survive, we all do.
I'll see you, on the other side.

"Say my name say my name say my stupid name."
-The Bird and The Bee

Week 2 - check

Atiqa, Riski, me
Singaporean, Indonesian, Malaysian
Taken last Friday during lecture :D

Today - walking after class from college to Queenstown MRT Station.
Clockwise from top left : Ravi(Singaporean) the radio dude always with the cap on, Jeffrey(Indonesian) the holey boy/cupcake ninja with his half blond half black hairdo, me with my teeth bared and Atiqa the first college friend.

On the other hand, people whose pictures I haven't taken with just yet :
We are so gonna bring Yan down. Catch him in a photo on his own camera or something!
Yan I want my Ozozo picture! And my free drink from Starbucks! Please.
Siti curses like nobody's business, she's nice though. Her boyfriend looks like Hady Mirza. Hah.
Shaun you need more sleep! Oh and explain APA soon?
Joseph/Simon wears a tank top almost everyday to school AHHAHAHAHA.

I can't think of anyone else for the time being.
I hate Friday cause I have to brave the worst of the worst human jams. D:
Then again, it's the weekend!

"And I just can't pull myself away."
-NeYo

kNOw

Not knowing what it is.
Not knowing who to expect.
Not knowing what's to happen.
Not knowing by what you already know.


Maybe it's just better if we all don't know.

"Must you really have everything?"

College Friends I

This is Atiqa.
She's the first girl who spoke to me in college.
She's a Singaporean malay and is attached.
She's very nice and 'fresh' from ITE.
She's awesome! :D

More to come soon!
Week One down, many more to go.

"You don't see what I'm trying to show you do you?"