Friday, July 25

Almost but not quite

When you get stuck in situations you find you can't handle


When you find yourself all alone, lost, in a bundle


When you stay on that one spot waiting


Hang in there, don't you stop hoping


If there's too much get a shoulder to lean on


When things may seem so dull and forlorn


But try looking another way around


For the end is sweet not a frown


So up up and away you go


Take a bow, here ends your show



So here I am, standing here and trying to be strong. I can't say I have come a long way now for there is more for me to discover. But for all that I've gone through, I have tried and learnt to be a better someone from the silly mistakes I've committed. I take no pleasure in distracting others with my foolish whatnots, instead I would very much prefer to stand aside and observe as the years go by. Whoever said it was wrong to feel? Indeed. Whoever said it was wrong to be affected by things that happen to us? I know the wrongs I've done today will not be the last of the ones I get to rectify in the future, for I have a long way to go. I look no further than the view I have been given and wait here now for the future to pass me by. Forgive me please, for I know not all the answers to the questions I'm asked, but seek the answers of the questions of my own.

Thursday, July 24

I remember...

So I guess it's out. Not exactly the way I expected it to get out but I guess it'll just have to do. Who knew indeed, who knew. Whatever that's about to happen, I'm pretty sure won't be a walk in the meadow for me. No biggie really, I'll survive won't I?


WARNING :
You might not want to read the following cause it's just what my childhood was like in words. Well, a lot of words.


Good old times

I remember when I was little, I used to spend every evening outside. In the garden under that old massive mango tree I used to have at home, playing with my dogs I used to have, cycling on the road, or going over to Shaun(my neighbour/schoolmate)'s place to catch butterflies. There was once I dashed out of the front gate onto the road on my bicycle without looking out for cars, the car that was speeding my way honked its horn so loud I rode right into the opposite house's metal gate. Of course, no one at home saw me then and by the time they came out to see what the honk was for, I'd recovered and pretended nothing happened.
I remember Brownie, my dog who died on Christmas of old age; Spot, my dog who got ran over by a car on Easter; Prince, my dog who never came back after going out one night; Roger, my rabbit whom I used to hypnotize every evening when I took him out of his cage; Latte, my dog who recently starved himself to death this year.
I remember reading Disney encyclopedias and my 366 bedtime storybook almost every night before I turned in.
I remember getting yelled at by my dad on my 11th birthday because I was eating too slowly.
I remember my mum tying my hair every single day before she sent me to my kindergarden school.
I remember vaguely all the girls in the kindergarden used to chase this naughty boy during snacktime cause we all disliked him.
I remember playing Monopoly and Barbie with my two sisters.
I remember having one whole cupboard filled with all the toys I ever had.
I remember the Chinese New Year and Christmas celebrations where my family used to get together and the living room would be so noisy cause everyone would be screaming to speak with each other.
I remember that rocking chair we used to have in the corner of the living room, the one I was afraid would start rocking in the middle of the night if I crept downstairs alone in the dark.
I remember my granduncle, Uncle Black who always sat around the gate inside, looking outside every single day if he wasn't outside cutting the grass in the garden.
I remember the small space we had at the back of the house where we kept our tortoises.
I remember bathing and scrubbing our tortoises' shells every Saturday.
I remember those little freaky looking dolls that were placed on the top of the window sill.
I remember the first time Yvonne danced at home when she first joined the house cheering squad.
I remember the nights I packed all the books of every subject into my school bag in fear of getting caned in primary school.
I remember crying before I boarded my school bus when I was in my lower primary school days.
I remember becoming a prefect, then an assistant head prefect before turning into one of the four head prefects in my last year of primary school.
I remember the Singapore visits we made as a family to Uncle Neo's house. Uncle Neo, Aunty Chris, John Ji, John Yang and MeiMei were Singaporean friends of my parents and my dad was about to start a business with Uncle Neo but that didn't work out in the end.
I remember staying over their place, admiring MeiMei's massive Barbie dollhouse I dreamt of having.
I remember thinking Uncle Neo was Keanu Reeves from the movie "Matrix" cause his name was Neo too and theie faces looked alike somehow.
I remember snuggling up to my dad when we watched tv in their room when I was younger.
I remember the nights I stayed up with Lorraine laughing at Yvonne and my grandma's faces while they slept, watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" that aired at 2.45am and her Winne the pooh softoy she named "Pooh-y".
I remember calling my grandma "Crazy Big Fat Mama" just for the fun of annoying her and we would both laugh as if we were both crazy.
I remember that big row my dad and grandma had over me once.
I remember myself going to my grandma's room,holding her hand and telling her I'll be home soon before I left home for anything cause she couldn't get out of bed to watch me go before she left.
I remember my granduncle who went a bit senile before he left.
I remember not speaking to Lorraine because I was jealous of the attention my mum was giving her instead of me the night before she left.
I remember standing on the balcony we used to have at home, breathing in the air and just enjoying the view.
I remember that J-shaped computer table we used to have where I could hide under it.
I remember the orange lightbulb outside the toilet upstairs where a huge cabinet of files was laid just outside the computer room right beside the toilet rack and our family swimming bag.
I remember going to this centre in Johor Jaya to swim every Sunday.
I remember the time Lorraine and Mumsy went to Canada for the 2002 World Youth Day.
I remember my primary schoolmates, especially the 4 other girls(Kelly, Janet, Wen Ya & Ying Hui) with whom I was best friends with till some other kid came along and ruined it.
I remember leading the choral speaking team and winning as champions, only cause Convent didn't take part that one year.
I remember the art projects we had to do, there was this one where we had to make this model of a car from a box and then we decorated and made tiny shoes by wrapping sponges around soap.
I remember my teacher who caned a girl's wrist and made it bleed, and when the girl's parents complained to the school, the teacher spent a whole week crying in class.
I remember disliking my std 6 BM teacher, a nightmare she was.
I remember being the emcee of every Monday's assembly along with my best friend at that time Kelly Ong, with whom I shared the duty as head prefects.
I remember arguing with her playfully over our turf as head prefects.
I remember confiscating erasers from normal students. I remember patrolling school grounds.
I remember shouting at students when it was time to go home after a day of school.
I remember the canteen food I miss now. I remember the grumpy canteen people.
I remember the teacher who taught me English from std 3 all the way till I graduated from primary school.
I remember waking up late the day I had to go back to my primary school to collect my reward for scoring 7A's.
I remember the std 6 graduation trip I went with my friends.
I remember attending Julian's birthday party where he turned 12 and onwards.
I remember Yvonne punching me once right outside the downstairs toilet.
I remember the tiny uncoloured tv we used to watch.
I remember my maid caught me and my sisters each a bird from the garden once.
I remember eating microwaved US potatoes and mashing boiled eggs.
I remember one Christmas we three sisters sat in front of the radio and tried calling in to see if we could get on radio to sing a Christmas carol.
I remember listening to Spicegirls and watching Powerpuff Girls.
I remember watching Dragonball-Z, Sailormoon, Blues Clues, Spongebob Squarepants, Hey Arnold, Slamdunk, Justice League, Power Rangers, Looney Tunes, Kids Central mostly.
I remember the Christmas play I acted in 5 years ago.
I remember every single church camp I've ever attended.
I remember every single person I ever called my best friend.
I remember my dad singing to me before I went to sleep real real long ago.
I remember lots of things...

Tuesday, July 22

A Lack Of Color

Current favourite song : Thunder - Boys Like Girls
Go have a listen if you have a lil more than 4 minutes to spare, hope you like it too. No worries though, Death Cab For Cutie still stands as my favourite band. And I have a feeling it's there to stay for a while. Don't think I've ever posted lyrics before and I'm not about to do so anytime soon. I can send it to you via msn if you're on my contacts list but msn's just hasn't been working at all these few days.


Been slacking as usual, mind's screaming that exams are just around the corner but simply haven't found the mood to sit myself down and start revising. Spoke to a friend I haven't spoken to in a while on Sunday night. Laughed a whole lot during and after talking to that friend. It was nice.


I'm finding it harder and harder to breathe by every time you say those things to me. It may not sound the same, it may not be the same words, but they mean all the same and you're suffocating me. I'd like us to remain the way we are at present forever, thank you.


Have been spending more time speaking and communicating with my parents. Thank God it's working a whole lot better nowadays. Sure, I still have my tantrums but they've been down-sized so much even I can't believe it myself. Yesterday while Paps was sending me to school he compared me to one of his friends' daughters. I won't say much but some of it went a lil like this : "You see I can count at the tip of my fingers and my friend's maths is the no-hope kind. So you should be able to do better than his straight-As student of a daughter right? Right?". I don't know about others but it makes me feel extremely tiny when I'm compared to other people, doesn't matter if others say whether I'm the 'better' one or the not-so-good one, I just don't feel any bigger than a tiny speck. But I know he means well though. I know he does.


I don't normally spill unless I'm asked what's wrong. I don't normally ask what's wrong unless someone doesn't look happy. I don't normally tell what I've planned or what I know is about to happen unless necessary. I don't normally ask what's going on because I rather find out when I'm meant to know so. I don't normally cry in front of people unless I can't hold it out any longer. I don't normally have people cry on my shoulder but I do know even sitting beside one another in silence can sometimes be a great help.


I'm not the type of person who lies to a friend, but I'm the type who lies to my teacher if I haven't completed my work. I am not the type of girl who speaks and makes sense all the time, but I'm the type who speaks what I think is best for that particular situation for that particular person. I'm not the type who's able to stand on my own, but I'm the type who relies on others to get me along every day. I'm not the type who likes being in front giving all the instructions and restricting people from things they wish to do, but I'm the type who's put there to be the 'bad one'. I'm not the type who considers before I react, but I'm the type who regrets my mistakes and learns the most I can from my wrongs in the hopes of rectifying them. I'm not strong, but I'm not weak. I'm not noisy, but I'm not silent. I'm not blind, but I might not see. I may be tone-deaf, but nevertheless I do hear.





"I may be stupid today, but I am smarter than I was yesterday."
- Pn. Heryati, my BM teacher.


To all of us humans, who are never who we are the day before.

Thursday, July 17

Of Cam Clicks and Cliques Pt I

Today's post shall be a caption-picture post dedicated to some people.
Don't feel like typing too much for now.
I've been searching for the right pictures since morning and I'm only posting it now; at 10.50pm.

~

Woke up this morning and felt exactly like this picture;
as if everything was swirling and uncertain for me.

~

For Yvonne, my sister.
[Anyone who messes with you, dies by me]

~

Interactor Julia.
[switchfoot!!! :D]

~

Interactor Yi Th'ng.
[Your designs do not suck one bit]

~

Calista.
[Cally Wally Pally is strong and brave]

~

Interactor Mercy.
[Caramel giler bapak girlfriend]

~

Interactor Melanie.
[We're gonna shine like supernovas]

~

Interactor Shar Linn.
[yes you're weird but I do love you heaps!]

~

Interactor Serah.
[You rock. I stone/rule :D]

~

Another for Interactor Shar Linn.
[Because you said
"You're my favourite person in the whole wide world"
during the handover meeting
and
"The feeling's mutual"
on my tagboard.]

So I guess it's almost time to say our goodbyes.
I'm sorry I couldn't fit everyone in.
And so I promise I will do a follow-up post.
To finish what I've gotten myself into started.
So if you want me to include you in the upcoming post,
leave your name just to be sure I don't leave you out.
If you want to be included again, leave your name anyways! :D

Sunday, July 13

Trip to KL

12th July, Saturday
Woke up at 3.30am to get ready for the trip to Kuala Lumpur to support my ex-squad, Venom. Meeting time was supposed to be 4am, and I reached school at 3.56am but the ones there were all sleeping in their cars. Waited for the others to come and boarded the bus at 4.40am. Melody wrote a copy of the permission letter required to get on the bus which no one had told me about. Thanks Melody! Got on bus and sat with Mercy. Shared food and one by one we fell asleep. Thanks for the music and all else throughout the day Markey! Love you heaps. Left school at about 5am and reached the Putra Indoor Stadium, Bukit Jalil KL at 9.50am. Walked from the furthest corner of the carpark possible to the indoor section. Silly bus driver. By the time we stepped into the stadium, the judges were almost done measuring the cheerleading uniforms already. Cheer 2008 started not long after we got our butts seated. Jien still looked as awesome as ever, if not better. We definitely prefered Jien over the other emcee(JD was it?) anyday. Screamed my lungs out along with the clan that came along, had absolute fun watching the routines though it got quite tiring after a long while. There were about 3 different spectators who decided to sit somewhere else after having their eardrums pierced and busted by my screaming when they sat in front of me. Mercy and I just laughed and screamed louder. Especially All-boys teams. Lol. Spotted a dude who looked a lot like Jourdan from behind but when he turned around it was a whole new story. Eleanor and Denise were fighting over a cute guy, me and Mercy were quite disappointed that there weren't as many cute guys as we expected there to be. Venom was lasted to perform but I could tell we saved our loudest screams for them. The emcees were about to announce the team but we just couldn't stop screaming. We were awarded with stares from everyone and St. Mary's convent even helped out in the screaming too. Cheered for them with all our hearts and before we knew it, it was time to go home. Some of them tried getting teacher to let us have dinner in some shopping mall but teacher wouldn't let us. Ended up eating dinner at some place at Machap at bout 7pm. Left the stadium at 5pm and reached school before 10pm. On the way home I curled in my bus seat and listened to the others laughed their heads off singing to songs from their phones and all. Fell asleep halfway unintentionally. Got home before I knew it. Hit my bed at around 2am when I couldn't keep my eyes open. Travelling to and fro KL in one day is absolute madness but all in all it was fun. Everyone was saying it felt longer than a day. I guess it was cause we were all having fun and laughing and screaming. A tiring yet fulfilling day, I'd say.


Got to run. Wedding dinner of my cousin. Not really sure if it's the quiet sleepy-eyes nurse or the taller, long-haired fiery looking one. Later.

Wednesday, July 9

Letter(to no one in particular)

Dear 'you',


You know, others might be thinking that by now you'd be out of my head already. Of course, even I have wondered what would come to be if you felt the same toward me. I've even resorted to deceiving myself that you "see" me, and have noticed me. Unfortunately, lies are lies, they are nothing less but can mean so much more. And I found that from the first lie I told myself, a second one came up, then a third and a fourth and a whole lot more. Who in their right mind would ever let someone else in their head unless the feeling was mutual? Well, I for one agree with you, my stupidity astounds even myself. So forgive me for trying to forget you, as even though you haven't done anything wrong(or anything to me for that matter), I simply haven't the guts to allow another an entry into my mind. Please excuse me, if you will, the question of why I've taken a liking to you. For there are simply too many to name, and they're just about as easy to put into words as to attempt extracting blood out of a worm(which by the way contains only body fluid and nothing else). Yet for now, I find myself thinking and imagining thoughts of you and me. Even the dreams I've had, and I assure you that you don't want to get me started. Now you understand where the inspiration of my imagination had sprouted from. However, regardless of how hard it is going be, I will try my damnest, if I haven't already, to not harbour these impossible fantasies and get back to my priorities as soon as I find out how to not think of you. Once again, forgive me for speaking so openly and being so straightforward because honestly, I had to get this shit load off my head. Lastly, I haven't a clue why I'm even saying this but, I'm sorry. Goodbye.


p/s : I think, sorry I meant I know, I love you.
p/p/s : I'm absolutely going to burn this before I give this to you.



With much love,
'I'

Tuesday, July 8

Buckle up

Sorry to disappoint you WenLi, but that would be a NO.
You will not have a "KORKORKOR" except for the one you currently have and always had who shares your blood.
Thank you.

~

Before you let things get out of hand, make sure you buckle up and expect the worst. Nothing beats being ready and prepared for a storm, unless you didn't expect one in the first place. If a storm's coming your way, there's no stopping it. So ready or not, here we go.

~

"Drum."
A soft beat starts.
"Strum."
A gentle, catchy tune becomes audible.
"Rum."
A pair of cups filled, only for you and me.

~

In the weirdest times of the day, I find myself thinking back of the times that I can recall we once had. And then it strikes me that you're gone.
Why couldn't you have not gone?

Sunday, July 6

Bugged out

You know when sometimes you think about something so much that from "nothing" it becomes "something"?
Well, it's currently my biggest issue now.
And it's not exactly something I want or expect to happen.
Phew, am I tired. Even thinking is exhausting. Imagine that.


Venom(my ex-cheer squad) is the current champion for the Cheer 2008
Southern Regional Competition. Screamed my guts out along with many other supporters today. Was awesome seeing how much better the squad has gotten. Routine was plain awesome. No need to say anymore. Congrats girls! Extremely proud of you lot. Go! Fight! Win! =D


I'm going to try and keep it out of my head from now on. Heck, I might need forever to get things out of my head but I'm gonna give it my best shot.



Something to ponder about :

Let's say a lil kid named Brad is shown a picture of a dog by his kindergarden teacher. The teacher tells him, "This is a dog, Brad." Does this mean the kindergarden teacher is deceiving and teaching the kid something wrong by saying the picture is a dog when it actually is a picture of a dog? Imagine what kids think these days think after watching footages of violence, drugs and all the other negative influences. It's no wonder crime rates are rising everywhere.


"They cheat, they lie, they suck people dry."